Parenting

When Mom Is the Village

There is a reality that many single mothers understand without ever having to say it out loud: sometimes Mom is the parent, the protector, the provider, the disciplinarian, the emotional support system, the chauffeur, the advocate, the person making the phone calls, the one attending the meetings, and the one lying awake at night wondering whether her son is going to be okay. Raising a boy is already a tremendous responsibility, but raising a boy while navigating mental health struggles, substance abuse, behavioral concerns, school problems, peer pressure, social media, rejection from an absent father, financial pressure, and your own emotional exhaustion can feel overwhelming. There are mothers who are doing everything they know to do and still feel like they are failing. There are mothers who have cried behind closed doors because they do not know how to reach their son anymore. There are mothers who have been called too strict, too soft, too involved, not involved enough, or blamed for problems they did not create. This is why we need to have a deeper conversation about what mothers and boys are actually facing.

Being a single mother does not automatically mean a child is destined to struggle. In fact, the presence of one consistent, loving, emotionally available parent can be incredibly meaningful in a child’s development. The United States Census Bureau reported that in 2023, approximately 20 percent of children under 18 lived with their mother only, compared with about 5 percent who lived with their father only. These numbers describe household living arrangements, not the quality of parenting, and they should never be used to suggest that children raised by single mothers are inherently disadvantaged. They do, however, demonstrate how many children are growing up in households where mothers carry a tremendous amount of responsibility. (Census Bureau⁠)

The question is not simply whether Mom can raise her son alone. The better question is what kind of support does Mom need while she is raising him? A mother cannot continuously pour from an empty cup and then wonder why she is exhausted. She needs information, emotional support, community, professional resources, financial resources when available, healthy relationships, and practical strategies that help her respond to her son without losing herself in the process. She also needs permission to stop believing that asking for help means she has failed. Sometimes asking for help is one of the strongest parenting decisions a mother can make.

Our boys are growing up in a world that looks very different from the one many of us experienced as children. The mental health statistics alone should cause parents, schools, churches, communities, and policymakers to pay attention. The CDC’s 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that 40 percent of U.S. high school students reported persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness. Twenty percent seriously considered attempting suicide, 16 percent made a suicide plan, and 9 percent reported attempting suicide. These numbers represent high school students overall, not boys specifically, but they show the level of emotional distress young people are experiencing. The same survey found that 19 percent of students reported being bullied at school, 9 percent reported being threatened or injured with a weapon at school, and 13 percent missed school because they felt unsafe at school or on the way to or from school. (CDC⁠)

These statistics matter because sometimes a mother sees the behavior before she understands the pain underneath it. She sees the disrespect, the isolation, the anger, the declining grades, the change in friends, the excessive sleeping, the refusal to communicate, the explosive reactions, or the constant desire to be on a phone or gaming system. She may think, “My son is becoming disrespectful.” He may actually be struggling emotionally. She may think, “He does not care about anything.” He may be experiencing depression. She may think, “He is just being lazy.” He may be overwhelmed, anxious, ashamed, bullied, grieving, or dealing with something he does not have the words to explain.

That does not mean every difficult behavior is a mental health disorder. Boys can be immature, impulsive, defiant, frustrated, and capable of making poor choices without having a psychiatric diagnosis. Parenting still requires boundaries, accountability, consequences, and expectations. The important distinction is learning how to recognize when behavior has moved beyond ordinary developmental challenges and is interfering with a child’s ability to function at home, at school, socially, or emotionally. The National Institute of Mental Health advises parents to consider professional evaluation when concerning behaviors or emotions last for weeks or longer, cause significant distress, or interfere with functioning. Warning signs in older children and adolescents can include withdrawing from friends and family, losing interest in activities they once enjoyed, major changes in sleep, low energy, risky or destructive behavior, substance use, self harm, thoughts of suicide, or experiences such as hearing things others do not hear. (National Institute of Mental Health⁠)

One of the greatest mistakes we can make with boys is assuming that silence means strength. Many boys are taught from an early age to “man up,” stop crying, shake it off, get over it, and handle their problems. While resilience is important, emotional suppression is not the same thing as emotional strength. A boy who never learns how to identify his emotions may eventually communicate those emotions through anger, withdrawal, aggression, risky behavior, substance use, or complete emotional shutdown. When a mother says, “Tell me what is wrong,” and her son responds, “Nothing,” that answer should not automatically end the conversation. Sometimes “nothing” means “I do not know how to explain what I am feeling.” Sometimes it means “I am embarrassed.” Sometimes it means “I do not think you will understand.” Sometimes it means “I am afraid that if I tell you, everything will change.”

This is why mothers need to create opportunities for conversation instead of waiting for the perfect emotional moment. Some boys will talk while riding in the car. Some will talk while eating. Some will talk while playing video games. Some will talk late at night when everyone else is asleep. Some will communicate better through text than face to face. The goal is not to force a confession. The goal is to make sure your son knows that when he is finally ready to talk, you are emotionally safe enough to hear him without immediately exploding, shaming him, or turning his vulnerability into a lecture.

Substance use creates another layer of fear for mothers. A child who begins experimenting with marijuana, alcohol, pills, nicotine, or other substances may not understand how quickly experimentation can become a larger problem. The 2024 National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that 15.1 percent of adolescents ages 12 to 17 reported illicit drug use during the previous year, while 7.5 percent reported illicit drug use during the previous month. Marijuana remained the most commonly reported illicit drug among adolescents, with 10.4 percent reporting past year use in 2024. SAMHSA also reported that 15.4 percent of adolescents ages 12 to 17 experienced a major depressive episode during the previous year, representing approximately 3.8 million adolescents. (SAMHSA⁠)

The relationship between mental health and substance use can become complicated very quickly. A young person may use substances because of peer pressure, curiosity, access, trauma, emotional pain, anxiety, depression, or a desire to escape feelings he does not know how to manage. That does not mean every young person who uses a substance has a mental health disorder, and it does not mean mental illness automatically causes substance abuse. It does mean parents should take both concerns seriously and look at the whole child rather than treating the behavior as an isolated problem. SAMHSA’s 2024 data show that among adolescents with a major depressive episode, the prevalence of substance use disorder was substantially higher than among adolescents without a major depressive episode. (SAMHSA⁠)

A mother also has to learn the difference between loving her son and protecting him from every consequence. Those are not the same thing. Loving him may mean taking him to treatment. Loving him may mean calling the school. Loving him may mean getting a psychological evaluation. Loving him may mean taking his phone away for a period of time. Loving him may mean establishing a curfew. Loving him may mean refusing to give him money when you know the money is being used to support a destructive habit. Loving him may mean saying, “I will always love you, but I will not finance behavior that is hurting you.” Boundaries are not abandonment. Accountability is not rejection. A mother can be compassionate without becoming permissive.

At the same time, mothers have to be careful not to turn every conversation into discipline. A son who is constantly corrected may eventually stop talking because he expects every conversation to become a lecture. There has to be room for connection without correction. Ask him about music. Ask him what he thinks about something happening in the world. Watch a movie together. Eat together. Exercise together. Go for a drive. Let him teach you something. Find out what makes him laugh. Learn the names of his friends. Know what he enjoys. Know what he fears. Know what he dreams about. A relationship cannot be built entirely around correcting behavior.

School is another important part of the equation. A struggling boy may spend more waking hours around teachers and peers than he does with his mother. That means mothers need to become advocates without becoming adversaries. Ask questions. Know the school’s policies. Communicate with teachers and counselors. Find out whether there has been a change in grades, attendance, peer relationships, disciplinary referrals, or behavior. Do not wait until your son is failing multiple classes or facing suspension to become involved. Early communication can prevent small problems from becoming major ones.

The CDC identifies school connectedness as an important protective factor for young people. School connectedness means students believe adults and peers at school care about them as individuals and care about their learning. Youth who feel connected to school are less likely to experience certain mental health problems, substance use, and violence and are more likely to demonstrate positive health behaviors and stronger academic outcomes. (CDC⁠)

Social media also deserves a place in this conversation. Parents sometimes underestimate how much emotional pressure children experience online because they cannot physically see what is happening on a screen. A child may walk into his bedroom seemingly fine and spend hours comparing himself to other people, watching fights, consuming violent or disturbing content, experiencing cyberbullying, receiving humiliating comments, or trying desperately to gain acceptance from an online audience. The CDC found that 77 percent of U.S. high school students reported using social media at least several times a day in 2023. Frequent social media use was associated with higher prevalence of bullying victimization, persistent sadness or hopelessness, and some suicide risk indicators. The CDC describes these as associations, not proof that social media alone causes these outcomes. (CDC⁠)

Parents therefore have to become involved in the digital lives of their children without believing that surveillance alone will solve the problem. Know what platforms your son uses. Know who he interacts with. Know what kinds of content he consumes. Establish reasonable technology boundaries. Have conversations about pornography, violence, bullying, strangers, online manipulation, scams, privacy, and the permanence of digital information. Most importantly, explain why the boundaries exist. A child who understands that a parent is protecting rather than simply controlling him is more likely to eventually develop internal judgment.

Then there is the wound that many mothers cannot fix for their sons: rejection from a father. There are boys who have fathers who are physically absent, emotionally absent, inconsistently present, incarcerated, struggling with addiction, unwilling to take responsibility, or present only when it is convenient. There are boys who repeatedly ask why their father does not call. There are boys who pretend not to care because caring hurts. There are boys who become angry at their mothers because they cannot safely express anger toward the father who rejected them.

A mother cannot force a father to become the father his child deserves. She cannot make another adult become responsible. She cannot manufacture consistency where another person has chosen inconsistency. What she can do is help her son understand that another person’s absence is not evidence that he is unworthy of love. His father’s choices are not a measurement of his value. His father’s rejection does not define his masculinity, his future, his character, or his purpose.

This does not mean mothers should lie to their sons about absent fathers. Children deserve age appropriate honesty. They deserve to know that adults make choices and that sometimes those choices are painful. But a mother should be careful about making her son carry the emotional weight of her own anger toward his father. There is a difference between telling the truth and making a child the emotional container for adult conflict. A boy should not have to choose between loving his mother and processing complicated feelings about his father.

Mothers also need to understand that they cannot become both parents in the literal sense. You do not have to become “Mom and Dad.” You are Mom. Your son does not need you to impersonate a father. He needs you to be a healthy, consistent mother and to help him build a healthy network of trustworthy adults. Coaches, teachers, mentors, pastors, counselors, uncles, grandfathers, community leaders, and other safe adults can contribute something meaningful to a young man’s development. The goal is not to replace his father. The goal is to make sure one person’s absence does not leave him without positive adult relationships.

For mothers raising Black boys, there are additional conversations that cannot be ignored. Boys may encounter racial stereotypes, discrimination, unfair treatment, assumptions about aggression, and environments where they do not always feel understood or valued. The CDC’s 2023 YRBS data found that experiences of racism were associated with higher prevalence of poor mental health, suicide risk, and substance use indicators. The CDC also reported that Black students were more likely than White and Hispanic students to report unfair discipline at school. (CDC⁠)

This does not mean mothers should raise fearful sons. It means they should raise informed sons. Teach your son his history. Teach him his worth. Teach him how to communicate. Teach him how to advocate for himself without unnecessarily escalating situations. Teach him how to recognize manipulation. Teach him how to walk away from foolishness. Teach him how to apologize. Teach him how to control his temper. Teach him how to seek help. Teach him how to protect himself without believing that violence is the only language available to him. Teach him that being a strong man includes knowing when to ask for help.

And mothers, please understand this: you cannot save your son by destroying yourself. Your mental and emotional health matters too. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to admit that you are overwhelmed. You are allowed to seek therapy or coaching. You are allowed to ask family members for help. You are allowed to build a village. You are allowed to have a life outside of motherhood. Taking care of yourself does not mean you love your child less. It helps you remain present enough to continue loving him well.

If your son is talking about wanting to die, wanting to hurt himself or someone else, feeling hopeless or trapped, saying goodbye to people, giving away possessions, engaging in increasingly dangerous behavior, experiencing extreme mood changes, or increasing his use of drugs or alcohol, do not dismiss those signs as teenage drama. The National Institute of Mental Health identifies these among warning signs that can require immediate attention. In an emergency or when there is an immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. In the United States, you can also call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. (National Institute of Mental Health⁠)

For mothers dealing with substance use or needing help finding treatment, SAMHSA’s National Helpline provides free, confidential, 24 hour assistance at 1 800 662 HELP. SAMHSA also provides FindTreatment.gov, which allows families to locate treatment and support services. This is an important resource for mothers who know their child needs more help than they can provide alone. Seeking professional support is not giving up on your child. It is recognizing that some problems require a team. (SAMHSA⁠)

If you are struggling to understand your son’s behavior, you do not have to wait until the situation reaches a crisis before seeking support. Sometimes the most valuable intervention happens before everything falls apart. A mother may need someone to help her understand what she is seeing, establish healthier boundaries, communicate more effectively with her son, identify patterns, develop a plan, and determine when professional mental health or substance use treatment may be appropriate. That is where education, coaching, and intentional support can become powerful tools.

This is also why I created resources specifically for mothers and families who are trying to navigate these realities. My goal is not to judge mothers for what they have done or what they did not know. My goal is to help mothers become more informed, more intentional, more emotionally equipped, and more confident in how they respond to the challenges their sons are facing. Sometimes you do not need another person telling you that you are doing everything wrong. You need someone who can sit with you in the complexity, help you identify what is happening, and help you determine what your next healthy step should be.

I want every single mother reading this to hear something clearly: you are not required to have all the answers before you begin helping your son. You are not required to know exactly what every behavior means. You are not required to fix every wound his father created. You are not required to protect him from every disappointment. You are not required to carry the entire weight of his future on your shoulders. Your responsibility is to love him, guide him, teach him, protect him when protection is needed, hold him accountable when accountability is necessary, and connect him with the right support when the problem is bigger than what you can handle alone.

Your son needs more than discipline. He needs relationship. He needs boundaries. He needs accountability. He needs emotional language. He needs positive male and female role models. He needs opportunities to develop confidence and purpose. He needs adults who will see him as more than his mistakes. He needs someone who will challenge him without humiliating him and correct him without convincing him that he is a bad person. Most importantly, he needs to know that his life has value.

And Mom, you need something too. You need support. You need information. You need community. You need people who understand that raising a son in today’s world is not as simple as telling him to “do better.” You need practical tools for the moments when he shuts down, explodes, withdraws, experiments with substances, struggles at school, gets rejected by his father, or begins questioning who he is. You need a village too.

Because sometimes Mom really is the village. But even the woman carrying the village deserves somewhere to lay the load.

Your son’s struggle does not have to become his identity. His father’s absence does not have to become his destiny. His mistakes do not have to become his future. With intentional parenting, appropriate professional support, healthy relationships, accountability, faith, education, and consistent love, there is still room for healing, growth, purpose, and hope.

If you are that mother, I want you to remember this: you are not raising a problem. You are raising a person. Look beyond the behavior long enough to find the boy underneath it. Listen before assuming. Correct without crushing. Love without enabling. Set boundaries without abandoning. Ask for help without shame. And never stop reminding your son that his life has purpose.

This blog is intended for educational and supportive purposes and is not a substitute for diagnosis, psychotherapy, psychiatric care, substance use treatment, emergency services, or other professional medical care. When a child or teenager presents an immediate danger to himself or someone else, seek emergency assistance immediately. If you ever find yourself in a crisis situation please contact the suicide and crisis hotline at 988.

If you are a mother who needs personalized support, I invite you to book a coaching session with me. Coaching is not a replacement for licensed mental health treatment, psychiatric care, emergency services, or substance use treatment, but it can provide a structured space for education, reflection, goal setting, communication strategies, boundaries, parenting support, and practical next steps. I bring my background in psychology, education, coaching, and real world experience into this work because I believe mothers deserve support too. You should not have to figure everything out alone.

You can also explore my digital resources through my Stan Store, where I provide tools designed to help people move from feeling overwhelmed and stuck toward greater understanding, healing, and intentional action. Visit Coach Kimmy’s Stan Store⁠ to explore the resources currently available. You can also visit KimberlyVonshay.com⁠ to learn more about my coaching, educational resources, and other work.💕🙏🏾