Shame

Shame Doesn’t Heal People, It Hurts Them

Shame is something we do not talk about enough. When most people hear the word shame, they think about someone making a mistake, failing, or doing something they regret. But shame goes much deeper than failure. People are shamed for their appearance, their weight, their age, their relationships, their finances, their parenting, their past, their trauma, their mental health, and even for making choices that other people simply do not agree with. Sometimes people are shamed simply because they do not fit someone else’s idea of who they should be.

I believe there is a major difference between accountability and shame. Accountability addresses behavior. Shame attacks identity. There is a difference between saying, “What you did was wrong,” and saying, “There is something wrong with you.” One gives a person an opportunity to take responsibility, learn, and make a different choice. The other can make someone feel like they are fundamentally flawed or unworthy.

People can be shamed for things that have absolutely nothing to do with failure. Women are constantly shamed about their bodies, their appearance, their age, their sexuality, and whether they are married or single. Mothers are judged for how they raise their children, while women without children are questioned about why they do not have them. People are judged because they do not have the same financial resources as someone else. Someone struggling with their mental health may be called weak, dramatic, crazy, or attention seeking instead of being met with compassion. We have to be careful about the things we say because we may be adding shame to a situation where someone is already struggling.

Trauma is another area where shame can do tremendous damage. A person should never have to carry shame for something that was done to them. Survivors are often asked questions like, “Why did you stay?” “Why didn’t you leave?” “Why did you trust that person?” or “Why didn’t you see the signs?” There is a difference between looking back at an experience and learning from it versus blaming yourself for what someone else chose to do. Healing may require us to examine our choices and recognize patterns, but that does not mean we have to carry responsibility for someone else’s actions.

Shame also causes people to hide. When people believe they are going to be judged, embarrassed, criticized, or rejected, they may stop telling the truth about what they are experiencing. They may hide their struggles, their pain, their relationships, their financial problems, or their mental health challenges. They may stop asking for help because they are more afraid of people’s opinions than they are comfortable admitting they need support. Sometimes the person who looks like they have everything together is the person privately struggling the most.

There are also times when shame is used to control people. Someone may try to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary. Someone may call you selfish because you chose yourself. Someone may question your character because you decided to leave a situation that was no longer healthy for you. Someone may tell you that if you really loved them, you would tolerate something that is hurting you. We have to recognize when shame is being used to manipulate someone into doing what another person wants.

We also need to understand that someone being uncomfortable with your choices does not automatically mean you have done something wrong. Everybody is not going to understand your journey. Everybody is not going to agree with your decisions. Everybody is not going to like the boundaries you establish. That does not mean you should feel ashamed. Sometimes your growth will make people uncomfortable because they are used to an older version of you. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to make better choices. You are allowed to walk away from environments that no longer serve you. You are allowed to become a healthier version of yourself.

Now, let me be clear. Removing shame does not mean removing accountability. We still have to take responsibility for our actions. We still have to apologize when we hurt people. We still have to make things right when we can. We still have to accept consequences when our choices cause harm. We still have to establish boundaries when someone’s behavior is unhealthy or unsafe. Compassion does not mean allowing people to mistreat us. Forgiveness does not mean giving someone unlimited access to us. Understanding someone’s pain does not mean excusing harmful behavior.

The goal of accountability should be growth, not humiliation. If I tell someone they did something wrong, I should want them to understand why it was wrong and have an opportunity to make a better choice. I do not have to destroy someone’s self-esteem to make my point. I do not have to embarrass them publicly. I do not have to throw their past in their face. I do not have to make them feel worthless. There is a way to tell the truth while still recognizing another person’s humanity.

We also have to remember that we rarely know the whole story. We may see someone’s current situation, but we do not know everything they had to overcome to get there. We may see the mistake, but we may not know what was happening behind the scenes. We may see someone struggling today, but we may not know how hard they have been fighting to get better. We may see someone’s outside appearance, but we have no idea what they are carrying internally. That is why I believe we should be careful about judging people based on one chapter of their life.

Nobody should be reduced to their worst decision, their biggest insecurity, their trauma, their diagnosis, their relationship status, their financial circumstances, or their past. People are capable of growth. People are capable of change. People can learn from experiences that once broke them. People can become wiser because of what they survived. Sometimes the person standing in front of you today is not the same person they were five or ten years ago.

Before we shame someone, we should ask ourselves what our words are actually intended to accomplish. Are we trying to help them or hurt them? Are we correcting the behavior or attacking the person? Are we encouraging growth or trying to make them feel small? Are we speaking from a place of love and truth, or are we speaking because we want them to hurt the way we hurt?

There is a way to tell the truth without being cruel. There is a way to establish boundaries without degrading someone. There is a way to hold someone accountable without taking away their dignity. And there is a way to correct someone while still reminding them that they are capable of doing better.

Shame tells people to hide. Healing gives people permission to face the truth.

Shame says, “Something is wrong with you.” Accountability says, “Something needs to change.” Healing says, “You can acknowledge what happened, take responsibility where responsibility belongs, learn from it, and still move forward.”

We need more accountability, but we also need more compassion. We need to stop believing that making people feel bad about themselves is the same thing as helping them become better. It is not.

People are more than their mistakes. They are more than their circumstances. They are more than what happened to them. They are more than what someone said about them. And they are more than the version of themselves they may be trying to heal from.

Sometimes healing begins when we finally understand that we can face the truth about ourselves without being ashamed of who we are.

You do not have to be ashamed of the person you are becoming just because someone else refuses to understand the journey that got you here.

If you are ready to continue your healing journey, I invite you to visit my Stan Store, where you can purchase my books and healing resources or book a coaching call with me for personalized support. 💕🙏🏾

Visit my Stan Store: https://stan.store/CoachKimmy